Today

Imagine the sound of a old piano playing in the background
The song: Happy Birthday
Played as a beginner

41 years passed by
No cake, no gift,
No happy birthday wishes
Blood drawn for more tests
Family, Friends, and loved ones
All forgot
Does a birthday even matter?
Do I?
Perhaps not for the most part
Another day
Another year
Time vested
Time wasted
Wishing, dreaming, hoping, trying
Working, sleeping, laughing, crying



This year 3 people got the day wrong (early birthday wishes, better than none!)
Only 1 actually remembered.  My own mother.
Of course she would, she birthed me and was by my side so much this year with me being hospitalized, cancer diagnosis, surgery/recovery, and now the Chemo journey.  I can't even imagine how she has felt watching me, her only daughter go through this.  She's not perfect, but she's the exact mom I needed through all of this. Thankful for my mom!
 Bless her!

The Silence and The Knowing

Passing goodbyes
Passing hello's
Strangers filtering through
Someone once said, "sticking around will kill you"
Oddly it nearly did.
Gave too much of me and my time to people that mentally, physically, emotionally drain the life out of me.
And people wonder why I'm a bit more distant, quiet, and with boundaries! I won't invest my time and energy in to people who take and run. That's not how friendships and relationships work.
Best part of the silence and the knowing, you learn who is a part of your daily life. Those people are not. They disconnect after taking what they need.
Everything I've been through in the past 5 years, not 1 of them has shown to be a true and caring friend. Waking up from surgery and not  seeing any of those folks by my side, says everything about friendship. My children, mother, brother and sister in law are the ones that care.  A real friend doesn't hide. A real friend asks how you are doing in real time.

I survived the draining. I survived cancer. I'm surviving my chemotherapy. I'm surviving without those who took and drained me.
The silence and the knowing.
All the best for everyone in life! <3 p="">

Faith, Hope, & Love

As terrible as the news was hearing I had cancer (surgery removed the tumor) these times are much more successful for us for surviving than 30 years ago.  Chemotherapy is still a frightening process. I can do my best daily, ultimately it's in God's hands.
I pray I made the right decision.

The Bid

Farewell
10 years of their run-around
wordy nonsense
Too much is too much
Even I have a limit
It's there

Pulled

That final straw
No more
Giving benefit to the doubt
No more.

Cool

Let me know
Until then
I'll be over here
or there,
And somewhere

Feels

In wonder
Of why
After all this time
Why I am nervous?
We were friends
Too late now?

X+X=

Crossroads

The great walk

What is next?
to be determined..
Upon your destined journey
It begins again


Dream
Create
Hope
Believe
With Love

Just another day in the life

We never know what battles are coming until we are faced to face with them.
The stranger across the street has their own, just as I.
A world full of humans having personal battles
A world full of humans not knowing each other's personal battles.
We can play the role of being strong for another, but can they provide the same role to you?
I've been diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer and I'm finding that I am consoling my family, friends, and coworkers.  Which is me being strong for their emotions.  I find my own self being supportive to my self at the end of the day and beginning of each day.
You do end up seeing very very few people simply asking each day "how are you feeling"
I have 1 person who is a coworker and friend who asks this daily. I'm blessed to have this friend. I call her Mary Star of the Sea ❤
Also known as mother #2
We laugh and cry every day since my diagnosis. She has been a godsend of a friend this year!

Pigs

Fuck it
I'm kicking that bucket
Of you
If I could...
I'd kick rocks in your eyes
I loathe
In that past moment
Everything about your lies
Until I turn blue
And return to the skies
Finally I'd be free

Well well well

Wherever you are
I am not there
Wherever I am
You are not there
Whenever I speak
You aren't around
Whenever you speak
I'm not around
Whatever you are doing
I'm not aware of it
Whatever I am doing
You are not aware of it
Whomever you are with
I do not know
Whomever I am with
You do not know
However you
However me
Why oh why?
Can this be changed?

Life.

Talked about a friend from my past today. There is no drama regarding that friend.
No regrets and I've let things be for nearly a decade and can keep on doing so as I have been doing.
Besides, next week is going to be a busy, stressful informative week for me regarding my health that can be good news or life altering
God help me!

Current thought

When you notice the lacking of consistency,
But see deliberate destruction through use of words.

It's who? You? No?

This week has been very telling about family and friends.

And in the end, we are alone. 

Tripped up

I don't believe he did all he could do,
He never once drove this way through
He may have moved near
mountains and the sea
But he hasn't moved mountains
I've yet to see

Eventually.

Finally know what it's like

Good Luck Sir.

When a friend has an idea, thinks it's a good idea, but causes mental/emotional harm (not violence) to the other, that is a deliberate fuck up while trying to hide and cover their ass, and nothing else.
Gotta wonder how the friend can possibly fix that type of fucking up.
I sure as hell don't have the answer for his fucked idea.
I will say, sir you have A LOT of explaining to do first and foremost before an apology can ever occur.
Good luck to your life of deceit and lies to anyone else you decide you want to bring your so called "good idea in your own mind" to.
I feel for your next victim and the hell they are about to go through.

New

Spot
Site
Place
Email
People
For
Thoughts
Music
Discussion
Good day.

A little help from your friend(s)?

I am not sorry that you aren't capable of accepting me for me.
I am not sorry that you have some delusional idea of how you expect your companion/friend to be.
I am not sorry for also having baggage, it's called life and you have baggage too.

I am sorry for not asking you to help me out with something that needs to be done, but with that said, I am not sorry though for knowing you wouldn't help me edit the information to get this taken care of, which is why I don't ask.


Thanks for your ignoring, friend.

New beginning...?

Maybe some other time

Refresh to progress

At this point, I wonder what is the purpose of the same conversations being repeated.  I haven't seen anything change in that place or others.

The past is not relevant.
 It's over, nothing but a stranger.

You could see it in the way she never responded to your rudeness with hostility. She was always submissive and timid.

You could see it in the way she never responded to your rudeness with hostility. She was always submissive and timid.

You knew it from when every time people stepped on her to get ahead, she was just slowly taking the opportunity to rebuild herself to become better.

It was obvious during the times she willingly gave pieces of herself away to the people who demanded much more from her than was actually necessary.

You really knew that it was there when she still had the patience and humility to ask for forgiveness even when she was the one who was hurt and left in tears; even though she was the victim in the situation.

She was slowly building herself up even though you never responded to her pleas for help. She was strong enough to make sure that she never left you feeling neglected or in want even though that’s how you made her feel every second of her life.

It broke her heart a million times over whenever you cancelled on her even though you practically meant the world to hear. It took her a long time to rebuild her life, but eventually she was able to do it without your help.

She succumbed to your lies because she never thought that someone she was completely honest to could ever be so dishonest to her. She thought that just because she loved you, you would treat her with respect.

She was a victim of her own expectations when she thought she could eventually change him because she had a good heart that was worth emulating and taking care of.

You knew she was acting the fool thinking that you would become a better person if she were able to show you what true love really meant. The problem is that you just weren’t interested enough to care.

She had her knees weak every single time you managed to deliver a line that you knew could manipulate her like a puppet. You were practically the puppet master whenever you were with her.

She always chose to be an optimist and see the glass as half full when in reality, the glass was almost empty. She was blinded by her love and passion for you, and you took full advantage of it.

She never hesitated to take care of you when you were your most vulnerable even though you never gave her a second thought when she was the one in need of help. She never asked for your help, but she wished you would have offered it.

She allowed herself to be weak and cry herself to sleep every night over a man who wasn’t even thinking about her. He didn’t care about how he was making her feel.

She stayed in bed, tossing and turning, wondering why she was never enough for you. She was pondering your relationship and what opportunities she had of really winning you over.

She never liked to play the game, but you practically wrote the rulebook for it. You were always willing to run circles around her even though she was tired and exhausted. To her, there was no thrill in the chase.

You don’t understand the wasted hours she spent just analyzing all the nuances of whatever relationship you had. She knew that something was off with everything you said, but she could never find herself able to read between the lines. She could never break through your shell.

She ran to her phone every single time you called her during the most ungodly hours. All you wanted was someone to pleasure you and feed your misogynistic ego. She asked for nothing in return and she never got anything too. If she had phoned you in the middle of the night, you wouldn’t be picking that phone up at all.

She started seeing through your alibies and realized that you weren’t capable of complete honesty, but she accepted it. She thought she saw something special in you and it would be just a matter of time before it came out. She just needed to patient, she thought.

Then the compliments started to lose their appeal. She knew that everything you said had ulterior motives, and that you weren’t as genuine as she hoped. She knew that you wanted different things in the relationship, and that she had to start respecting herself more.

She started realizing that she was the better person in the relationship and that she was settling by allowing herself to be tormented by someone like you.

In the past, you were the one who always walked away from fights and arguments. You were the one who left her confused, broken, and incomplete. That’s why it absolutely stunned you when she was the one who walked away for the first time. You didn’t know what to do, and you got a taste of your own medicine.

She stopped settling for apologies, and you knew that you were losing her. Maybe you even lost her at that point.

She started to drift from you farther and farther to the point that she started to realize the appeal of a life without you.

Everything that you did to her made her stronger even though she felt the weakest that she had ever been.

She knew that she was worthy of much greater things and that you weren’t the person who was going to give her those things

Lines cut

I don't see a purpose or reason for being friends with a specific person.
I learned some things in the past while speaking and being around one another, but in the present moment, there is no communication. I'm merely just a # on his facebook friend list.
He who regards someone as a friend makes time for the friend. No one is that busy in life. Time has shown it's a waste of my time to keep a one sided friendship.


The intent to ignore is laughable and shows how disrespectful that "friend" is.
Friends engage, share, inquire.
You sir, barely even put 2% into being friends.
Google is friendlier
All the best to him.
There is nothing left to say to you.

Strange Happiness

"Today, I feel nothing for you. No love, no pain and no anger. If you were to come in front of me right this second, I would just look at you like I would at any stranger. "

Sorry, but not sorry

Busy 

Be back sometime later in life

It goes....it goes... for all people

Yes, the message is pretty real regarding relationships. It goes both ways for men and women.  I do enjoy the music in this video

Days Go By

The commumication line was opened

Now, it's right back to nothing

Funny, it's the same old shit

His predictable pattern is not what I want

*shrugs*

This is why boundaries exist

He continues to remain

Same as it ever was
The waters intention
Tired and drowning
More pure than his
There is no sadness here
However, I do feel for his
A friend much?
Only at his convenience
Once,
In a lifetime
Uninspired by him now
Too many days went by
I appreciate the lesson
Detatched
Careful who you open up to
Goodbye

Love is not a game

I am

It is what?
It is
Happy
Life goes
On and on
:)

Nothing That Has Happened So Far Has Been Anything We Could Control

Nothing that has happened so far has
been anything we could control.
I have just been waiting for the perfect
Time to tell you I don't know.
Maybe I'm just reading into it a
Little deeper than I should
We would make it easy we would take
It slowly if only we could

"Hey, what are you doing out here?
You're thinking about everything, aren't you?
I know it's crazy, but just don't think of it like that
Nothing has to mean anything
Come on, come back inside"

Elodie,
Look at me,
Unless you're trying to hurt me
Heavy blow,
Down I go
Now I just want to let go

Is it right?
Is it wrong?
I don't know,
It's not the cause I'm fighting for
Anymore
But it sucks to keep on running
Eventually,
There will be
A time for clearer thinking
For now I weep
Can't get to sleep
I try to hold a good feeling
I just get one,
Here it comes,
There it goes,
And we just might,
Lose the fight, yeah
But it's alright
It wasn't our decision

Nothing that has happened so far
has been anything we could control
I have just been waiting for the perfect
Time to tell you that I don't know
Every man is happy until
Happiness is suddenly a goal
I'll just be here waiting till the
Doctor calls and then I'll let you know

Opposites

It's not enough
Connection
No direction
Melted
Frayed
Lost
I wonder
Why

Dead air

Space, distance

Unresponsive

Time passed

Time present
Round 2

Hasn't changed
Passing through
The hourglass
1 grain of salt
Pointless is pointing me
What was
What is
Elsewhere

A good read

The end...is the beginning...is the new

Silent protest

Refusing to engage in a certain discussion as I've done for damn 10 years, beginning this year.

My volunteering is finished.

Do over to tap out yet again

There really isn't anything more I can do.
Keep on letting it go, no matter what.
Let it be
Can't rebuild or get to know someone better than before when the person barely responds to you.
Seems like wasting my energy.

In psalm nia

3 am overthoughts
Payback
My rule
Going forward
No more contact
Up next
Im busy
Busy
Busy
Busy
What?
Im also adapting
Selective listening
Got something to say?
Didn't think so
Im busy.
Have a nice day in the life
You don't know me sir
Or is it sire?
Sin-seriously,
Busy

Someday

I keep wondering what in the world will it take to visit again, to begin again ?
Clearly, someone has a fear. And if it is the fear I think it is, I am in a different place in my life and have a lot of responsibility going on. I can't make the same mistake of missing a flight like before. I got bills to pay, kids to parent, other people's schedules to write etc...
If that is not what he is fearing, then I could assume he just doesn't want more than just a number added to his facebook friend list, but I know that is not the kind of person he is. :)
Patience is not my strong suit, but dammit, I've been patient with him for years and with my job that requires even more patience than a kid at christmas. He confuses me and that is a problem. I'm not a toy, I'm tired of this "too busy" can't talk shit.
Im too busy for those excuses.

No No Drama......

Such a difficult week for me beginning this 2017 year. I recognize that I am vulnerable at this time, however, with past experiences behind me, I am fully aware of what can happen by allowing the wrong folks into my life at this time. I am never going into that manipulative fuckery again. 

And that realization makes me happy!

Volume up

Turn on the "Innerspeaker"
Tune out the all the chaos
*satisfied*

As I've made strides forward, I will always have flaws. I'm ok with that.

Gaslighting

This is such a great article to read. I just wish I knew of this before I ended up having to experience it on 2 separate occaisions. I gave benefit to doubt that people can change after a few years.
Still healing from it all.

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/things-wish-known-gaslighting

Likely still the poor-nography

And you have to still wonder....what are his other vices?

Cheers

The final dance

Observed all week

His intention

To get me to say

Fuck off 

On the first day

Of a new year
There is no more

Im out!

Do the walk of....love

In some respects
As more time passes
The further the distance
The less you feel

Time passes
But what remains
Inside the heart
Is felt
Deeper than before

Salt flows from the eyes

My heavy heart
The weight
Keeping my head down today
Family lost
Driving on clouds
And smiling
A new year
Began with death for us
This is your beginning
To start
A new 365 days away
So long sir,
May you be at peace
WE ALL LOVE YOU
XOX

Everyday... Back and Forth

Two-thousand seventeen

The doors behind
Closed
Goodbye
New day
New people
New memories
Clean Slate
Hello New Year