beyond repair

I am beginning to think the bigger picture here was some things I have said were taken in and made into some game played by others. A sucker with a string attached hoping I will fall for the game of tossing it out and pulling it back. Trying to make me believe something that is not happening.
I imagine the thoughts in the minds of those playing are "hey we can toy with someone who's mind is open and get her to play a game of bullshit," not caring about my feelings or emotions because all that matters is the game they are playing.
This type of game pulls and tugs at my heart and really hurts me at times because I don't want it to be a game. I think it's pretty unfair to do that to someone.

And yet for some reason something keeps telling me not to walk away from whatever it is that is or isn't going on.
Trying to go with the flow of whatever it is and yet I can't help but think it's just a game someone is playing with me for their own joy and don't take my feelings into consideration of what is happening..I am feeling very broken beyond repair.

OWATA short film by The Smashing Pumpkins

Enter the world of AAW, wrestling redefined

Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins has a fascination with wrestling and it's no unknown secret to those who are fans of his music and interests for years. He has now incorporated his love for the sport by having this short film created and will be releasing an actual music video coming out shortly for this song "Owata".
The beginning and ending credits of this premiere also had 2 other songs (Freak and Song for a Son) in it from the Teargarden by Kaleidyscope album. An idea that began public announcement in 2009 which will soon hold an album within the album called "Oceania" this fall.


This film featured Shelly Martinez, Cheerleader Melissa (Anderson), Raven, and Little Egypt special appearances by Billy Corgan alongside Nicole Fiorentino, directed by Robby Starbuck and music by The Smashing Pumpkins

Sendoff

something said
once upon a time
for amusement
taken seriously
for years
I wonder
a joke
to waste time
for nothing at all
but to be laughed at
by the one who spoke
I did
and now fear comes
amongst the colors
it is hidden
I'm torn
no conclusive answers
it is what it was
once upon a time

Another day

Thoughts are constantly racing through my mind. Anything from from work, art, music, people, to life itself.

Now what I wonder is there really a point to all of this and if so what exactly is it, and do we get to another point and another and so on?
I spend my evenings working in a place I like to call hell to make money to somewhat survive this world we live in. I leave that place and enter a world of art, music, and oddness of internet world. It's like living in 2 different worlds.
Which one is the real world and which one is not? An answer I just don't have at the moment from what I am aware of.


The time spent in hell is sometimes entertaining and the people are sometimes enlightening which is odd for a place called hell. Hell is not supposed to have moments of enlightenment from what I have understood from the people who are all buzzed into religious views.

Maybe you get a little taste of heaven in hell and by being there helps create the heaven after leaving that place? I suppose that only I can figure that out for myself, as no one else is really able to answer for me.

Now that we establish there are 2 worlds, heaven and hell, what is in the middle? The world of dreams? That place can be extremely confusing based on the visits to hell and spending time in the heaven we love to be in.

There is so much information from both sides and in dreamland. And yet, our thoughts that we have can manifest into a reality somehow. The problem with that is most of the time it can seem like it's only yourself who is in on it and nothing manifesting even though the universe is supposed to hear the call and do what it can to help these dreams, thoughts, ideas manifest. So if the universe listens then why is there no direct answer?

The great thing about all of this is I can leave hell everyday, but I have to make sure I am aware of returning to that place again and to be on the lookout for those messages of enlightenment, and for the ones that are clearly just someone trying to get into my pants. As for dreamland...it's a nice place to be sometimes when I can remember what was going on.
And now back to whatever it is I am doing with life...

Back to Back

The last 2 song releases by the Smashing Pumpkins have been pretty remarkable sounding, flowing nicely together when heard back to back. Must be the works of that mighty synth Ichabod he has. Was this intentional by Billy Corgan? Probably not, but his work makes me think he knows exactly what he is doing.
I wish he would have put something else in place of "The Fellowship" on EP 2 The Solstice Bare and taken "Lightening Strikes" and "The Fellowship" and put those 2 out as a single. These 2 songs could have easily fit on a single. A nice rare limited edition vinyl for those collectors out there. I wouldn't call either song a b-side, but it's 2011 a single doesn't mean a b-side needs to be attached. But, I'm not the musician so perhaps Corgan knows best.

Smashing Pumpkin's newest song "Lightning Strikes"



Smashing Pumpkins "The Fellowship"


both songs available for download at
smashingpumpkins.com

tainted

Snort another line
chuck down more pills
take another drink
stab another needle
Smoke more smack
take your self away
cover up your chaos
hide your life under the table
Be a sell out
Why should we care,
If you don't care?
Keep on pretending
everything is ok
your fall is near
But, in the meantime
Snort another line
chuck down a few more pills
suck down another drink
stab another needle
fire up the smack
consume the man made drugs
He sure won't mind
it's money in his pocket
He gets the dime
while you get fucked
become useless to yourself
become nothing to society
Drug up
you are weak
it's your way out
sell out

digdug

tearing into my emotions
you never see
the actual pain it emits
it hurts
you can't wipe them away
the many
tears in my eyes
tears fill my heart
no one is truly there
for me
once in a blue moon
something shines
smile
all the while
behind it
sadness