Overloaded

 I recall a reading a "story" online and thinking oh my that's fucked up. And here we are. 

I now know. 

Closure

What...

The heck does he want?

Lucky 13

Isn't very lucky after all

Moral of the story 

What it is, it never was

Pretty stupid of me to engage with  people who pretended to be friends, who's intentions have been to steal ideas from me and lie to me about who they are. 

I've been through a rabbit hole without a care from them. Nothing good comes from these connections for my life, just theirs. 

Too many years vested. 

He was right. Leave.

They are toxic. 

What I didn't do or did do

It was all some sort of process, an initiation of some sort of who to keep around for positive attention/publicity and who to keep far away in the background.
As time went on, photos of people posted like it was an audition by appearance. Those who were accepted remain in the forefront.

Not fitting in anywhere, I rebelled at times.
The experiences I went through were probably not the same for the others.  Not everyone was treated the same for whatever reasons. My trust in people has been broken from that experience. I don't care to develop any friendships with certain people due to what I went through. I'm sure some are good people, but based on what did happen, I can't allow that to happen again. Still can't fathom why anyone would put another human through such hell. Yes, it will always remain in memory and keeps me distant from people. I was told I can't share information, but others can.
So, I keep it to myself. It's nobody's business to know apparently. The minute I even begin to feel or mention anything from that experience people ignore me and disappear as if they don't want to hear about it.
They allow you to exist in with what fits their narrative. Apparently my narrative doesn't exist to them. So why do they want me around still? I don't understand.

Vested time is showing me that it means nothing if you aren't publicly kissing ass somehow.  

2018....into 2019

Happy to be
Happy alone
Happy to love
The added happiness he brings
Good vibes
Great times 

New Life Number

Hello....
Hello, How are you?
....Alive!
*continues walking forward*
Random

I'm good on you

A message from above
To the one who wouldn't leave me alone
For whatever it was worth to you
My life wasn't
The fuck up wasn't 100% your fault
I'm guilty of believing your lies
Our years of exchange nearly killed me
I paid the price, not you.

That's what friends are for?

To each their own
We became friends
We are barely friends
That must be how you wanted it to be.
If you ever wonders why I won't
 contact you.....it's because you are "too busy" to be a true friend especially when life gets tough.
Thanks for not being there. You showed your true colors.

Today

Imagine the sound of a old piano playing in the background
The song: Happy Birthday
Played as a beginner

41 years passed by
No cake, no gift,
No happy birthday wishes
Blood drawn for more tests
Family, Friends, and loved ones
All forgot
Does a birthday even matter?
Do I?
Perhaps not for the most part
Another day
Another year
Time vested
Time wasted
Wishing, dreaming, hoping, trying
Working, sleeping, laughing, crying



This year 3 people got the day wrong (early birthday wishes, better than none!)
Only 1 actually remembered.  My own mother.
Of course she would, she birthed me and was by my side so much this year with me being hospitalized, cancer diagnosis, surgery/recovery, and now the Chemo journey.  I can't even imagine how she has felt watching me, her only daughter go through this.  She's not perfect, but she's the exact mom I needed through all of this. Thankful for my mom!
 Bless her!

The Silence and The Knowing

Passing goodbyes
Passing hello's
Strangers filtering through
Someone once said, "sticking around will kill you"
Oddly it nearly did.
Gave too much of me and my time to people that mentally, physically, emotionally drain the life out of me.
And people wonder why I'm a bit more distant, quiet, and with boundaries! I won't invest my time and energy in to people who take and run. That's not how friendships and relationships work.
Best part of the silence and the knowing, you learn who is a part of your daily life. Those people are not. They disconnect after taking what they need.
Everything I've been through in the past 5 years, not 1 of them has shown to be a true and caring friend. Waking up from surgery and not  seeing any of those folks by my side, says everything about friendship. My children, mother, brother and sister in law are the ones that care.  A real friend doesn't hide. A real friend asks how you are doing in real time.

I survived the draining. I survived cancer. I'm surviving my chemotherapy. I'm surviving without those who took and drained me.
The silence and the knowing.
All the best for everyone in life! <3 p="">

Faith, Hope, & Love

As terrible as the news was hearing I had cancer (surgery removed the tumor) these times are much more successful for us for surviving than 30 years ago.  Chemotherapy is still a frightening process. I can do my best daily, ultimately it's in God's hands.
I pray I made the right decision.

The Bid

Farewell
10 years of their run-around
wordy nonsense
Too much is too much
Even I have a limit
It's there

Pulled

That final straw
No more
Giving benefit to the doubt
No more.

Cool

Let me know
Until then
I'll be over here
or there,
And somewhere

Feels

In wonder
Of why
After all this time
Why I am nervous?
We were friends
Too late now?

X+X=

Crossroads

The great walk

What is next?
to be determined..
Upon your destined journey
It begins again


Dream
Create
Hope
Believe
With Love

Just another day in the life

We never know what battles are coming until we are faced to face with them.
The stranger across the street has their own, just as I.
A world full of humans having personal battles
A world full of humans not knowing each other's personal battles.
We can play the role of being strong for another, but can they provide the same role to you?
I've been diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer and I'm finding that I am consoling my family, friends, and coworkers.  Which is me being strong for their emotions.  I find my own self being supportive to my self at the end of the day and beginning of each day.
You do end up seeing very very few people simply asking each day "how are you feeling"
I have 1 person who is a coworker and friend who asks this daily. I'm blessed to have this friend. I call her Mary Star of the Sea ❤
Also known as mother #2
We laugh and cry every day since my diagnosis. She has been a godsend of a friend this year!

Pigs

Fuck it
I'm kicking that bucket
Of you
If I could...
I'd kick rocks in your eyes
I loathe
In that past moment
Everything about your lies
Until I turn blue
And return to the skies
Finally I'd be free